Looong Day...

No snow day. Sad times. Led worship this morning, went pretty well. I have 4 massive blisters on my index, middle, & ring finger of my right hand from drumming. Sacrifice of praise...haha. School was good, nothing too exciting to report there. I stayed after school till 6:00 working on the notation for my song (which I have to present tomorrow), then went to a congregation meeting at the beach house to find out what's going on with homegroups. They've moved everyone around...luckily I'm still in Luke & Heather's, but Stef got moved. I was pretty bummed about that. John is in my homegroup now though, & even though we always have pretty good talks we've never actually hung out I don't think, so it will be good to get to know new people. After the meeting Kate & I had to rush home & see the new episode of Psych, of course. Hahaha.

Sorry to be so brief...I wanted to write a really long blog too, Gary taught Bible Review on the Beattitudes today & it was amazing. I took like 5 pages of notes I wanted to write about. But it's been a long day & I need sleep.

No School!

Snow day! I haven't had one of these in 5 years. When you have a job they don't care if the roads are death traps, they expect you to be there on time with no complaints. I slept till 11 & then Kate & I watched "A Walk To Remember." Now I am buying tickets to see Switchfoot in concert next week, which should be amazing since I haven't seen them live in about...6 years.

I love lazy days. I think I shall go for a run while I watch Law & Order: SVU.

Good Day!

Today was awesome. Worship was amazing. Lately I've been feeling during worship that God just wants me facedown before Him. So flat on my stomach is usually where I end up pretty fast, but then He speaks such amazing things to me. Today it was great because He showed me that I'm trying to take control of certain parts of my life again, I'm trying to make things happen the way I want them to because of all of the amazing stuff God's been showing me. But I've jumped the gun. He told me to wait, & I wasn't waiting. So I'm done now. I'm done worrying about other people & what they think of me, because to be honest I just don't care. Other people will mess up, because other people aren't God. Everyone will let you down at some point, but God is sovereign no matter what. His grace is sufficient for me, & I've just been messing everything up by sticking my filthy hands into it, so now He has to clean it up again. But I know He will. He's faithful when no one else is. Augh, it's so FREEING! Stef had a word about how God is bringing stuff up to the surface in each of us now, & how it hurts because it takes a long time to rise to the top...but once it does, God deals with it. He doesn't want that crap to hold us back, so He just wipes it away completely once it's surfaced. I've seen evidence of this in my life already, & it is awesome.

We had class with JL & discussed the next two chapters of God's Lavish Grace. Gaaahhhh this book is so amazing. I can't put it down, seriously. Once you've caught a glimpse of what grace truly is, it's like there's this whole new sense of...relief! Fact is, we don't measure up, we're not good enough, & we never will be. But it's okay, because everything stupid we do has already been taken care of. The funny thing is, it makes me want to extend grace to other people more often...which is humility! AHH! So much revelation, my mind could seriously explode. I can't even believe how lucky we are to have a loving God that actually CARES what we do. Grace, after all, is what allows us to run & not grow weary. We are supernatural beings because we have GOD'S strength in US! Which is why when He tests us to make sure our priorities are straight, asking us to give something up, He actually gives us the power to do it! When we think of giving stuff up, we usually think of stuff that will hurt us, or cause us to sin. What about giving up stuff that God Himself has promised us? Like Abraham & Isaac...Isaac had been PROMISED to Abraham by God, & STILL Abraham was willing to give him up. God of course spared him, & the great thing is, it's not like He will ask you to give that stuff up over & over! I'm sure Abraham didn't sit around wondering when God was going to ask him to kill his son again. It goes back to what Stef said about stuff rising to the surface...though it's painful at the time, it will be so worth it once the test is done with!

While JL was teaching, God spoke to me again about the issue of trafficking, & told me to talk to JL about it. It was kind of nerve-wracking, actually, because I mean, he's the apostle. I'm sure he has about a billion other things to do than talk to me about something abstract that God has been saying to me. But after class I asked if I could talk to him, & got a little bit of time with him at the end of lunch. I just went straight into it & said, "What do you know about human trafficking?" He kind of raised an eyebrow & said, "Increasingly more, actually...funny you should mention this, because there's a girl that used to work for Skillet, actually, that's really involved with an organization nearby to fight it. Why do you ask?" I told him briefly about what God has been speaking to me about it, & he said he would put me in touch with this girl & if I end up staying in Kenosha at Living Light maybe I could help raise awareness within the church about the issue. That is an AMAZING start! Literally an hour later he had already emailed me her phone number, so I definitely plan to follow up on it. Pray for direction for me in this area, I'm really excited about the possibilities this could open up.

Also! I went up to Gary at lunch today & teased him that if we don't get a drummer at Pleasant Prairie soon *hinthint!* I might have to move to the Racine church. Kal was sitting next to him & literally JUMPED out of his seat, gave me a hug & said, "THANK you! I was JUST about to tell him to have you play!!" So I am now officially on the worship team for the Pleasant Prairie congregation! I'm pretty excited. I love drumming.

Worship team practice was awesome today too, even though I'm about three weeks out of shape drum-wise. But I had a great time, & we rearranged one of my favorite songs. Hopefully I will get a recording of it & post it here soon. AND! There is a new crash cymbal on the upstairs kit, it's really heavy & sounds totally awesome. So that was fun to mess around with.

And now I am going to go do some homework & Bible reading before my roommate gets home.

Joint Meeting.

Today we had a joint meeting, all three churches together at the middle school. JL did his Glorious Gospel teaching, & it was AMAZING. I want everyone who reads this blog to hear it. It should be posted online by wednesday or so. I don't care if you've been a Christian for 60 years or 60 seconds, you never "outgrow" hearing the Gospel. Amazing.

Worship time in joint meetings is always incredible. Today The Spark led, & it was just an amazing time. Trefor came forward & said he had a tongue to bring, but that he wanted to give the interpretation first. He said that he felt a sense of people who are having trouble trusting because of things that have hurt them in the past, & that it's like a little chain around your heart & it's a hindrance. He said that everyone who felt that way should put their hands up, & when he started to pray I just felt this...warmth, thorough my whole body. I haven't realized until recently that I really do have trouble with trusting sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, but I definitely felt God change something in me. It was completely amazing. Right after that we started a song about how great God's love is, & almost instantly I saw a girl, maybe 16, chained in a dingy, dirty room. She had dark, ratty hair & I couldn't see her face but I could tell she was crying. The vision went on, & it's too horrible for me to describe here. But it wasn't a feeling like I was imagining this girl, I could actually SEE her & I got the overwhelming sense that what I was seeing was actually happening somewhere at that very moment. And I heard God speak one word in my mind, "PRAY." So I just started praying as hard as I could, that whoever this girl is she would be kept safe & that she would feel love. The way my stomach was turning & the clenching I felt in my chest, it felt like my life depended on this prayer. Eventually I couldn't see her anymore, but I kept praying until I felt this indescribable peace. I've never interceded on behalf of anyone quite like that before...but I completely believe that was what happened. It was...kind of insane.

After the meeting they provided lunch for everyone...soup from the OG. Hahaha. I guess it's been a good six months since I've had any food from there. Ha.

Super Bowl today...don't really care much about football, so Kate & I are going to bake cookies instead. Good times.

The Room.

No, I'm not talking about the cheesy Tommy Wiseau movie.

I've been reading ahead in God's Lavish Grace today, & I am just completely blown away every time I pick up this book. Seriously. Last week while we were in Cadillac, someone mentioned the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, & I remember reading it a long time ago but didn't care much for it. But I DID remember some story in there about a room...it's been bugging me for days, & I finally remembered to look it up online. Chances are you've read this before, but it completely speaks of the grace God has been revealing to me, so I wanted to post it here.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

Servanthood.

Today was a pretty good day, even though I did not want to get out of bed at all.

Worship was AWESOME. Everyone was seriously just so full of joy & we spent the entire time just praising God & saying how awesome He is. You can't help but be in a good mood after that.

Kal taught Stewardship In Life today about servanthood. Kind of interesting, considering we just got back from Cadillac where that was all we did, serve. It never fails that when you serve others you will also somehow be blessed; you may be completely wiped out from constantly pouring out your energy for others, but it is a fulfilling tiredness that makes it so worth it. Kal made the point that servanthood isn't just about acts of service, it's your character, who you are. When you are asked to do something, do you do an excellent job every time? Or do you do the bare minimum & have a bad attitude about it? Serving isn't about just doing good things when it fits your agenda...the thing is, you don't actually have a choice. Christians are now servants of Christ, so to be a Christian & be a crappy employee is an oxymoron. Everything we do ultimately reflects Christ, & all authorities in our lives are God-given, whether they are Christians or not. Actually, the biggest tests of servanthood are in how you serve unbelievers, because they will probably be the most ungrateful. The call on our lives is to humble ourselves & serve. It's amazing how everything bad in our lives comes back to pride in the end. Both a serving attitude & humility can only come by practically outworking it every day, & dying to yourself every day. I love this quote out of "Humility" by Andrew Murray (if you haven't read it you totally should):

"Ask not for exaltation. That is God's work. See that you humble yourselves, & take no place before God or man but that of a servant. That is your work; let that be your one purpose & prayer. God is faithful. Just as water seeks & fills the lowest place, so the moment God finds the creature empty, His glory & power flow in to exalt & bless. He that humbles himself--that must be our one aim--shall be exalted; that is God's aim. By His mighty power & in His great love, He will do it."

I LOVE THAT. I love how it says to humble ourselves before God AND man. We should always be serving others, & looking for opportunities to humble ourselves. It's amazing to me how God works...I've been asking God to reveal pride to me, & He has been faithful to do so not only in myself but also in others. And it's revolting! It's like I can listen to someone speak & all I can see is pride. Or I have a thought about myself & recognize it immediately as pride. And it's just like, "UGH, get it OFF me!" And the great thing is, He does! Not right away, & it's certainly humiliating sometimes, but if you ask Him to reveal pride in your life He totally will. And it comes out in the most random, obscure ways. Sometimes it's actually kind of funny. Anyway, all that to say, God is amazing. Haha.

Drum lesson was good today...worked on some bossanova stuff & learned some brushing techniques from a Steve Smith DVD (he was the drummer for Journey). Good stuff, but it takes alot more coordination than I have yet. I'll get there.

Now I have a Skype date with Sarah, so even though I could probably ramble on for a billion years about pride & serving, I'm going to stop now.

Cadillac.

Wow, where do I start.

We got there friday night & had dinner at the church building before going home with our host families. I was a little nervous because I was the only student that wasn't paired with someone else from the school, but I found out on the way up there that there would be a girl named Amy that was interested in coming to SOW next year staying at my house too. So I met Rebecca & her 2 kids Ethan & Jessica at the building & followed them back to the house. It was such a cute farm house complete with little red barn. Rob got us ice cream when he came home from work & I stayed up talking to them awhile & they told me a bit about Amy & her boyfriend Xavier.

Saturday we all met at the church & went sledding. Well, the others went sledding, I sat in the lodge & stayed dry. Haha. Amy & Xavier came with us, & I got to chat with them for awhile about SOW. After sledding we went back to the building for chili, & then the rest of the evening hung out at home with Amy & Xavier.

The meeting on sunday was amazing. God spoke to me so much during the worship time, it was really incredible. Kal did the teaching out of Ephesians 2. After the meeting I went to lunch with Rebecca & Amy & we talked about some of the things God had spoken to us during worship. Sunday night me, Stef, Kate, Becky & Matt led youth group. We got there a couple of hours early to prepare, & ended up just spending time praying for the evening. I really felt God speaking to me to pray over Amy to receive the gift of tongues, which was...odd. I've never felt that before, but I decided to just mention it to her & see how she reacted. I told her she should come to the bathroom with me & when we got in there I said, "So...I'm not sure how you feel about this...but while we were praying I just really felt like I should pray over you to receive the gift of tongues. I'm not sure how you feel about that, but..." Before I could even finish she had started crying & said, "Oh my gosh I want that so much!" So we talked about it a little bit & I prayed for her...& she totally started speaking in tongues, it was awesome. So we went back to the youth room & told the rest of the group & decided to spend the rest of the time just praising God. When the kids got there we asked them what God is to them right now, & it was so cool just hearing what they had to say. Stef split them up into groups, & Becky & I talked with 3 kids that didn't know for sure if they heard God speaking to them or not. I had a word for them out of Job 23 & then we all prayed together. It was just so cool to see how sincere they were.

Monday we had class...Bible Review with Gary, the elder at CLC. We went through Titus & Philemon, & had some really great discussion. Monday night Amy & I went to Stef's house with Kate & Becky, but I was so wiped I fell asleep downstairs while they hung out. Haha.

Tuesday was by far my favorite. We had class with Gary for a bit, but then we went to a Christian school & had a worship time with the 7th-12th grade kids there & had lunch with them after. When we got back to the church, Gary & his wife Amy prayed & prophesied over each one of us. Gary had a word for me about how I'm starting a new life, & how everything from here on out will be a new start, what's past is past, & I need to seriously consider where I live, who I live with, & who I spend my time with. Kal had a word for me about how this new life will be centered around protection & purity. Amy had a word for me relating to how a mirror fell on her foot one time & she got a piece of glass stuck under her skin for awhile. She said that it was really painful for years, but that once they pulled it out she was surprised at how something so small could cause so much pain, & that there is something that keeps getting highlighted in my life that is like that little piece of glass. All of it was just so right on, & gave me alot to think about. That night we had homegroup at Rob & Rebecca's. Rebecca had told me that their homegroup was just really broken. As we (me, Stef, Matt, Kate, Becky) were all praying about how we could just really bless them, God just really spoke to us & guided us in how we should lead the meeting. So Matt started off talking about the sacrifice of praise & how a sacrifice has to actually cost something, which led to Kate & Becky sharing some Psalms about brokenness that God had been speaking to them, how it's okay to be broken in God's presence because He's never going to let us completely fall apart. We just really wanted to do something selfless to bless them, so we spent some time washing everyone's feet & praying & prophesying over people. I've never washed anyone's feet before, so I had no idea what to expect. I figured it would be weird, & that it was just going to be a sacrifice on my part...but God completely surprised me. As I was washing people's feet, God just...SHOWED me things about each person. Their heart for Him, His for them...it was incredibly powerful. We had some worship time after that & you could just FEEL the difference in the room, the healing that was taking place. It was absolutely incredible...we went there to serve them, but you can never outserve God--He totally blessed us in the process. It was just so incredible.

That was my last night there so I stayed up late talking with Amy & Rebecca. I can't believe I haven't even known them a week...so much happened & we got so close that it feels like so much longer. I'm going to miss them!

This feels like such a brief summary of everything that happened, but suffice it to say that it was an incredible trip. I feel like God did so much in such a short time...in all of us, really. It was an amazing trip.

And now I am going to sleep.