I knew this was going to come. I've been dreading it since I first heard Tracey's prophecy (see previous blog). I knew what that thing that I had to give up was, & I tried so hard to hold onto it...but God knew better. During Prophetic Worship today Teresa shared about how she has had 7 miscarriages, & how she knew the power of God through each one. Even before she was married she had people prophesy that the enemy would attack her womb & make it hard for her to have children. But even though she only has 2 children out of 9 pregnancies, she sees the work of God through it. She sees how He has used those tragedies to His Glory, & she is JOYFUL. I want her joy. I have tasted it, but I don't fully understand it. Even last night, I was filled with dread because I knew what God was going to ask of me today. I couldn't sleep. And then I had a nightmare about what would happen if I finally did work up the courage to let go. Teresa & I talked on tuesday & she knew the situation. When we began to pray during class, Lydia & I prayed out similar things, & it turns out we both had to let go of something similar. Kal took the guys out of the room, & Teresa & the other girls laid hands on Lydia & I & prayed over us. Bethany had a song for us about how receiving God's mercy requires nothing from us, that He sacrificed it all for us. Teresa had a picture of a fist, & that the fist was holding so tightly that it physically couldn't let go on its own, but once it did there was understanding. I felt peace after they finished praying...but after lunch God said, "Do it now. Let go." So I found a place by myself...& I let go. And I don't feel better. And I hate it. And I wonder if I'm crazy. And I HURT. I just can't see how God is going to use this for His Glory. I know he heals the brokenhearted...why can't I feel it? Why don't I feel healed?
Afternoon classes were canceled, & the girls went to Kimmy's house to pray. The girls all prayed over me & assured me that acting out of obedience isn't always easy...but it's right. I suppose I know this. But I wonder how long I'll have to hurt. I wonder how long it will take to find healing in Him. While the girls were praying I got a word for someone. If that person reads this...KNOW that that is the most significant, personal word I have ever had for someone, & that it should not be taken lightly.
I need your prayers more than ever right now. God has shown me what to do, & He has been gracious in showing His blessings for me...but right now I just feel broken.
Oh Dear Cara, the enemy wants nothing more than for you to doubt yourself. He will do all he can to remind you of the hurt and of what you've given up for Christ. God's love and compassion for you is so much greater than that, we can't even imagine it! I'm praying for you that you'll be strong and encouraged. You are an encourager to me!
ReplyDelete*hugs Cara tight* if you need to talk to someone i'm there no matter what ok? you KNOW that. i hate to see you so broken but i know God will only make you better & stronger through this ♥ love you Cara, don't you ever forget it!!
ReplyDeleteWhen we are weak, He is strong. There is strength in brokenness. I know it's hard to believe when there's so much pain that you can't sleep at night, but love, the strength that is found through Christ is sometimes all we have, and that's when you hold on for dear life, pray, cry when you need to cry, and hope for the pain to heal swiftly, and know that you WILL emerge triumphant.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless.